Envy. Malice. Jealousy. These words evoke a feeling that we can taste in the back of our throats but are not words we hope to use to describe our parenting journey, yet they often lurk in the background. As adoptive parents, these feelings may creep in more often than we’d be willing to admit, or they may sneak up on us in a surprising manner. Are we in the wrong for feeling these things? Does this mean we can’t be or are not good parents? Where can we go from here? Do we ever get to feel like the people around us? How do we deal with jealousy in adoption?
“Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.” Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
If you’ve come to adoption after struggling with infertility, you are likely all too familiar with these emotions.
- The social media announcements
- The baby shower invitations
- The cousin struggling for stability announces she’s pregnant during Thanksgiving dinner.
- Sitting in the doctor’s office next to the woman rubbing her perfectly round belly.
- The inevitable question – when you and your husband will have your “own” children.
And through it all, you smile and nod and maybe silently wipe a tear until you can get to a safe space to feel all your feelings. You furiously release the sadness, the grief, and, yes, the jealousy.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Teddy Roosevelt
How To Deal With The Feelings Of Jealousy In Adoption
Then you move into a new realm, the adoption world, where you quickly realize this is just a new arena for your self-inflicted game of comparison and jealousy in adoption.
- The couple that is so adorable in your adoption training class
- The family in your consultant’s Facebook group, whose profile is just perfect
- The knowledge that when you’re submitting your profile for consideration, others are too
- Seeing yet another couple being matched before you
- Wondering what you’re doing wrong in this process while everyone else seems to be having such an easy time.
It’s exhausting. It is heartbreaking. And once again, it makes you jealous and discontent with the world around you. It leaves you pondering if you will ever have the joy you see in so many.
Unless your closest friends and family have traveled this path, it is challenging for them to comprehend your mindset. It can leave you feeling empty and fragile, and we often struggle to manage those feelings. Worse, it can leave you feeling guilty for those voices in the back of your head that, for a teeny-tiny second, are mad at the couple that was chosen by an expectant parent.
On this side of our adoption journey, I also know how it feels to be the person who was chosen by the woman making plans for her child, causing you to be on the receiving end of envy. This is a new feeling because you always assumed being “chosen” would make you feel like you’re on top of the world, but now you empathize because your elation is coming at the expense of someone else’s grief. You experience a new kind of heartbreak. Jealousy in adoption cuts both ways.
“The spirit of envy can destroy, it can never build.” Margaret Thatcher
Love Does Not Envy When We Let Go Of Expectations
When we start our adoption journey, I think that for many of us, our goal is to add to our family in a very black-and-white, linear way.
We hope to welcome a baby or child into our family and do not always consider the complexities attached. We often fail to think that we are not just adding a child but also another family into the mix, and for many, that is scary because it’s not the norm for family building. It comes with many unknowns, and movies and TV shows only perpetuate the fear that comes with the unknowns. Society doesn’t always help, either. Well-meaning people are thrilled to meet your little one but cannot wait to ask you about their “real mom,” little by little, a new type of envy starts to take up space in your head. When I look at my oldest daughter, it is like looking at a photograph of her birth mom. For some adoptive parents, this can be a difficult realization that she’ll never have your eyes or your husband’s nose. As your children age, it is natural for them to be curious about their first family, but this, too, can trigger feelings of envy and comparison.
“Love does not envy.” 1 Corinthians 13:4
So, what do we do with these thoughts? It is natural to feel wrong and try to deny these feelings instinctively, but that is ultimately unhelpful. Name your feelings. It is vital to remember that adoption is nuanced and multifaceted. The dynamic is complex and can trigger unexpected emotions at any point. However, remember that you are not alone in this realm.
- Discuss your emotions with your spouse. Turn to your adoption specialist that you worked with through your time as a waiting family.
- Seek out other adoptive parents who can empathize with the fragility of your emotions
- You may need to talk with a family counselor so that you can thrive as a family
- Discuss this with a qualified peer in the adoption triad.
- It’s okay to have a conversation with your child’s biological family, too.
Most importantly, GIVE YOURSELF GRACE! Envy and jealousy are part of the human experience, but they don’t define us or our ability to be great parents. When we treat ourselves with grace and allow ourselves to feel and process those emotions without shame, we create space for growth, understanding, and, eventually, peace. Adoption is complex, and no one person is getting it right all of the time. Jealousy in adoption is normal, and accepting what is and working through it is to embrace all that it is and all that it is not in a healthy way.