Adoption is a complex journey that unites families of varying backgrounds, experiences, cultures, and beliefs. For Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers alike, the process can be layered with love, sacrifice, joy, and, sometimes, painful feelings that are challenging to navigate. Among these emotions, envy and jealousy in adoption can arise, fracturing the profound connection that is meant to be established between a Birth Mother and an Adoptive Mother.
Envy and jealousy in adoption can creep in even in the most secure relationships. The goal isn’t to avoid these unwelcome emotions; it’s to avoid allowing them to take root and dictate how one behaves within their adoption triad. To avoid envy and jealousy from manifesting into unhealthy behaviors and habits, it is important to recognize and address these feelings to prevent irreparable damage to the adoption relationship.
The Heart of Envy and Jealousy In Adoption
To recognize the ways these emotions can deeply impact the relationship between the Birth Family and the Adoptive Family, we must understand the difference between envy and jealousy.
Envy
This involves desiring something someone else has. That could be their possessions, relationships, or experiences.
Jealousy
On the other hand, it is the fear or insecurity of losing something we already possess to someone else.
For Birth Mothers:
Envy can cause a birth mother to feel envious that the Adoptive Mother gets to raise and care for her child, causing her to experience a deep longing for the moments she is not there to witness. This can happen even when a Birth Mother knows her child is being provided with the care and opportunities that she lacks the resources to provide herself.
A birth mother may struggle with feelings of jealousy if the child grows to bond closely with the adoptive family, leading to feelings of loss and inadequacy. These emotions, while painful, are often rooted in the difficult decision of placing a child for adoption. This can bring its own grief and sorrow.
For Adoptive Mothers:
Envy can arise when they compare their parenting journey to that of biological mothers. They may feel a sense of loss for not having the same connection with their child that a birth mother has from the start, or they may envy the pregnancy experience.
An Adoptive Mother can feel jealous of the relationship the Birth Mother has with the child, especially in open adoptions where contact between Birth Mothers is ongoing. These feelings can create tension, not only between the Birth Mother and Adoptive Mother but with other members within the adoption constellation.
Love and Envy in a Biblical Context
In the Bible, love is central to God’s character, and we are repeatedly called to love others with the same sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated. Yet, envy can disrupt this love. The Apostle Paul addresses the issue of envy in 1 Corinthians 13:4, saying, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. “ This passage provides a clear framework for understanding how envy and love cannot coexist.
Envy stems from insecurity and comparison, while love is rooted in selflessness and a genuine desire for the best for others.
James 3:16 states, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. ” Envy can cause disarray in our hearts, disrupting peace, whether it’s within ourselves, our relationships, or our community. The Bible also calls us to be content in God’s provision.
In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul writes about learning to be content in all circumstances, whether in abundance or in need. Adoption, while often joyful, can bring seasons of difficulty and longing. For Birth Mothers, it may be a struggle to accept the separation from their child even when they feel secure in their decision. For Adoptive Mothers, it may feel hard to accept that they are walking a different journey from the biological family. However, true peace and contentment come when we trust in God’s plan, recognizing that His love and purpose are far greater than our own desires or comparisons.
Addressing Envy in Adoption Relationships
It’s important to note that envy and jealousy are almost impossible to avoid, but what we do with those emotions makes the difference. Overcoming envy and jealousy in adoption requires intentional work on our hearts and minds. The first step is to recognize these feelings without shame or
condemnation. Emotions are natural, and in adoption, they may arise from real pain or complex circumstances. We can’t allow them to dictate how we behave or respond because when we do that, then we no longer let love take the lead.
Embrace Your Unique Role: Both Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers have unique and vital roles in the life of a child. A Birth Mother brings life, while an Adoptive Mother sustains it. By recognizing and celebrating each other’s roles, both women can foster a sense of respect and mutual support rather than envy or jealousy in adoption.
Focus on the Child’s Well-Being: Ultimately, both Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers want what is best for the child. Acknowledging this mutual goal can cultivate happiness and growth for the Adoptee and provide them with the confidence they need. In 1 John 4:19, we are reminded that “We love because He first loved us.” The love that God has shown to us is the foundation of all love. When this unconditional love is given to the child’s biological family, God’s love is being reflected onto the child.
Find Joy in Shared Motherhood: Comparison often fuels envy. Instead of comparing experiences or relationships, focus on the love and bond that you have with the child. God has given you a specific relationship with this child that no one else can replicate. Embrace the beauty of that unique connection.
Practice Forgiveness and Healing: For Birth Mothers, there may be a need for forgiveness, both of themselves and others, as they process their emotions. For Adoptive Mothers, there may be moments where the relationship with the Birth Mother requires patience and understanding. Love is at the heart of forgiveness, and through God’s grace, both mothers can find peace and move forward in unity.
Envy and jealousy do not have to define the relationships between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers. We know selfless, patient, and kind love can overcome envy when we embrace God’s love for us, focus on what is best for the child, and practice humility and forgiveness. Together, we can foster healthy, supportive relationships that reflect the heart of the gospel.