Every year we choose a theme to focus our blogs around. This year we want to emphasize storytelling and encourage others to listen to the lived experiences being shared from different members of the adoption triad. We all have something to learn from one another, regardless of whether or not we share the same perspective or experience–becuase we all are the Voices That Matter.
Adoptee Perspective
Voices that matter are often the ones that have been ignored the longest. For adoptees, our voices come from lived experience, not theory. They can’t be replaced by assumptions, good intentions, or secondhand narratives told on our behalf. We understand adoption not as a concept or a success story, but as something that shapes identity, belonging, loss, and resilience every single day.
From an early age, many adoptees learn how to stay quiet, grateful, and agreeable. We’re often praised for being “lucky” while carrying questions we don’t yet have language for. Over time, those unasked questions can turn into silence. But silence doesn’t mean the impact of adoption disappears. It follows us into our relationships, our sense of self, and how we understand family and home.
When adoptee voices are centered, the conversation shifts. It becomes more honest and more complete. We’re able to talk about love and grief in the same breath, without being told one cancels out the other. We’re able to name what was gained and what was lost, without fear of being misunderstood or dismissed.
Listening to adoptees isn’t about blame or criticism. It’s about truth. It’s about creating systems, policies, and conversations that recognize adoptees as whole people with complex stories. When our voices are heard and respected, adoption moves away from simple narratives and toward something far more human.
Birth Mother Perspective
Hearing the stories of other birth moms, adoptees, and adoptive parents has made me a better birth mom. I can approach my own adoption with greater mindfulness and grace because I have learned to accept the aspects of my story that I once felt ashamed of.
Author Ann Voskamp says that shame dies when stories are shared in safe spaces. Most people believe that this statement only applies to the individual sharing their story and the shame they have been carrying. What people often overlook when they first hear this is that others also release their shame when they listen to the stories being shared. Both the speaker and the listener benefit from vulnerability.
While shame is a human experience, it’s not the only experience or the only reason why listening to others is an opportunity for growth. Some stories may be vastly different from ours, some may challenge us or evoke strong emotions, and some may inspire us and heal parts of us we didn’t know we needed to tend to.
Every reaction or emotion we experience when listening to others’ stories, the good and the uncomfortable, helps us process our own. It may expose areas of our lives or stories we’ve avoided, or it may bring validation to areas that need comforting. Simply becoming curious about other people’s experiences can teach us valuable lessons:
- We start to pick up on patterns of thinking and behavior
- We notice common themes within our stories that connect us
- We identify areas in our lives we may need to tend to
- We start to do better and care for each other and ourselves in ways we hadn’t before
Our stories are woven together, and engaging with one another can strengthen our community if we allow it to do so.
This is why I encourage you to get curious and listen. There are many voices sharing their stories through published work, social media accounts, podcasts, webinars, and in-person presentations. A quick search will lead you to a variety of experiences, but remember to not just listen to those you agree with. Use discernment when engaging and try not to take someone else’s pain as an attack on your own experience. Hold space for those with different perspectives, and you may surprise yourself by how much you can learn.
Adoptive Mom Perspective
I became an adoptive mom because I wanted to build a family that my body couldn’t create. What I didn’t fully understand in those early years, however, was how much listening would be required to sustain it.
In adoption, each role in the triad carries its own joys, griefs, hopes, and fears. Too often, though, we elevate one voice while unintentionally quieting the others. As an adoptive mom, I’ve learned that honoring adoption well means listening to all of them, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Listening to adoptees means accepting that love does not erase loss. My child can be deeply loved and still grieve what adoption cost them. Their questions, anger, curiosity, or sadness are not a rejection of our family; they are an honest response to a complex beginning. When we truly listen to adoptee voices, we gain wisdom that helps us parent with humility instead of defensiveness.
Listening to birth parents requires us to move beyond the simplified narratives we’re often given. Adoption is not a moment frozen in time; it’s a lifelong experience. Birth parents’ stories are layered with heartbreak, love, courage, and ongoing connection. When we listen, we model respect for our children’s first families and reinforce that their story did not begin with us, it includes us.
And yes, adoptive parents’ voices matter too. We need space to speak honestly about our fears, mistakes, and growth. But our voices should never be the loudest in the room. Adoption is not centered on our comfort; it’s centered on a child’s lifelong well-being.
The truth is, listening does not mean agreeing with every perspective. It means acknowledging that multiple truths can exist at the same time. It means resisting the urge to defend ourselves and choosing instead to learn.
As an adoptive mom, I’ve learned that listening is an act of love, and it’s also a responsibility. If we want to honor our children and their stories, we must be willing to keep learning long after the paperwork is signed. I want to challenge fellow adoptive parents to be intentional about the voices you allow to shape your understanding of adoption by:
- Reading books written by adoptees and birth parents.
- Listening to podcasts that stretch your perspective.
- Following social media accounts that speak honestly, even when they challenge what you thought you knew.
Growth in adoption doesn’t happen by accident; it happens when we choose curiosity over comfort.
Elevate Every Voice in the Adoption Triad
Storytelling can bring healing to those listening and to the person sharing so we invite you to share your story. If you are interested in contributing to our monthly blog by sharing your story, reach out to us today! Your Voice Matters.