Talking to Kids About Their Adoption Story
I wish there were one perfect way to talk to our kids about their adoption—a simple, one-time conversation that covers everything and makes sense at every stage of their life. But the truth? It’s not that simple.
Talking to your child about adoption can feel like navigating uncharted waters. We question ourselves constantly:
When should I tell them?
How much is too much?
What if I mess it up?
Take a deep breath, you’ve got this. And the good news is, this isn’t a one-time talk. It’s an evolving conversation that grows along with your child. So let’s walk through what these conversations might look like at each stage, with love, honesty, and age-appropriate openness.
Babies & Toddlers (0–3 Years)
Keep It Simple. Start Early.
Start talking about adoption from the beginning. Not as a “big reveal” one day, but as something that’s always been part of their life story. Even if they don’t understand the words yet, they’ll feel the love in your voice—and begin to associate words like “adoption” or “birthmom” with safety, security, and warmth.
Something as small as placing a framed photo of their birth parent(s) in their room can speak volumes. It says: Your story matters. Your whole story.
It might feel awkward at first, talking to a baby about adoption, but trust me: you’re laying the emotional foundation now. You’re normalizing something that will always be a part of who they are.
Preschool (3–5 Years)
Simple Truths for Curious Minds
Preschoolers are question machines. Even if adoption has always been part of their story, their curiosity is just kicking in.
This is often when kids start to notice pregnancy and may ask questions like, “Did I grow in your tummy?” A simple, honest response works best. Remind them that they grew in their birthmother’s (or whatever name you refer to her by) tummy but that she chose to find a special family to also love you forever. Avoid sugarcoating or making things more magical than they are.
No need to over-explain or sugarcoat. Let the truth be enough.
This is also a great age to introduce picture books about adoption. One of our favorites is Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis (yes the actress!). It’s not our exact story, but it’s a fun story that keeps the conversation going. Always preview books to ensure they use positive language, and feel free to tweak explanations based on your child’s unique experience.
Early Elementary (6–8 Years)
They Get It… Kind Of
At this age, kids start to understand what makes a family—and might notice how theirs is different from their classmates’. That’s okay. It’s a great time to add more details to their story, and to encourage questions…even the tricky ones.
This is also a time to equip them with the language to explain adoption to their peers.
When our oldest started kindergarten, some classmates noticed we didn’t “match” and voiced it in that brutally honest kid way. We helped her feel confident in explaining:
“Every family looks different. God made ours special, even if we don’t all look the same.”
We also chose a school where diversity, in race and family makeup, is celebrated. That wasn’t an accident. When choosing a school, we considered what would support our daughters socially, emotionally, and academically.
And don’t forget to talk to your child’s teacher. Some educators may not have worked with adoptive families before, and a heads-up can help them be sensitive and supportive. In my experience, teachers are eager to do right by their students when they’re given the tools to do so.
Tweens (9–12 Years)
Deeper Questions, Deeper Emotions
Now the real emotions start to surface. Tweens are more self-aware and may wrestle with identity, especially in transracial adoptions. Expect deeper questions, and sometimes tough ones.
Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or curious. It’s okay not to know everything and be frustrated when wanting to know more. In fact, being honest about what you don’t know can be a huge gift and validate their feelings as well.
Depending on the level of openness in your adoption, this might be a good time to invite deeper conversations with birth family, if your child is ready. Ask them how they feel about it. Make sure they know that asking questions about their adoption is not an either/or, it’s all part of their family, their story.
Teens (13+)
Identity, Independence, and All the Feels
Teenagers are deep in the thick of figuring out WHO they are. Being adopted is part of that. At this age, they may want more control over their own story. They might express anger, sadness, or even indifference. Honesty, respect, and trust are vital during this stage. Limits will be pushed and how we respond as parents will likely shape how they continue the conversations around their adoption.
This is the time to listen more than you speak. Let them lead, but let them know you’re here—for the tears, the questions, the outbursts, and the silence. Let them know they’re not alone.
If they haven’t already, this might be a good time to connect with a therapist who specializes in adoption. Sometimes, having a safe space outside the family to process can make all the difference.
Talking about adoption isn’t one big conversation. It’s hundreds of little ones. What your child needs from you will change as they grow—but some things never will:
They need your love.
They need your presence.
They need to know you support them in understanding their story.
And if you ever feel unsure? That’s okay. Reach out. There are adoption counselors, books, support groups, and other parents walking the same path. You’re not alone.
You’ve got this.