Who doesn’t love a good Friends reference? I can still hear Ross yelling “PIVOT!” at Rachel as they struggle to wedge the oversized couch up the narrow staircase. To nobody’s surprise except Ross’s, the couch doesn’t fit. The scene ends with Ross dragging a torn, sawed-in-half couch back to the store, only to receive a $4 refund.
I believe the word “pivot” is a soft and palatable way of saying “Mayday, mayday, mayday.” Life often hands us moments where everything seems to unravel at once, and we’re left bracing for impact. A pivot might not be as dramatic as a full-blown crash, but it still demands self-control, resilience, and emotional intelligence.
In adoption, disruption is often spoken about as a “loss” for waiting parents. I’ve heard the stories: a birth mother decides to parent, and the call goes out to pray for the grieving adoptive family. And yet, as an adoptee, my heart feels a different kind of joy in that moment. The joy comes from witnessing a mother feel empowered to raise her child. At the same time, I know there are circumstances where adoption is the necessary path.
This is the grey area we rarely talk about. Disruption is both heartbreak and hope, loss and empowerment, a pivot that invites us to hold space for more than one truth at a time.
The Adoptive Parent’s Perspective
Disruption is often experienced as heartbreak for waiting parents. After months or even years of dreaming and preparing their hearts and homes, the sudden loss of a match can feel like a “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday” situation.
How might we hold compassion for the deep grief of adoptive parents without losing sight of the bigger picture?
The Birth Parents’ Perspective
On the other side of the story, disruption can mean something entirely different: a mother who finds the support and resources to parent her child. What is often framed as a disappointment for one family may actually be a profound victory for another.
Can we begin to see disruption not as failure, but as a sign of empowerment and resilience for a birth parent?
The Adoptee Perspective
As an adoptee, I live in the tension of these two realities. My heart celebrates when a child remains with their family of origin, and yet I also recognize that there are circumstances where adoption is the safest option.
What would it look like to honor both realities at once, the joy of a child remaining with their family and the necessity of adoption in certain situations?”
The Duality
This is where disruption becomes a little complicated. It is not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It is both loss and hope, grief and empowerment, all existing at once. The challenge is to hold space for each truth without canceling the other.
How can we learn to hold space for all of these truths at once? Such as grief, empowerment, and the complexities of adoption. How do we acknowledge each one without canceling out another?
Disruption within adoption is not the end; it is a pivot that is sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes hopeful, and often both at the same time. For adoptive parents, it can feel like a loss. For birth parents, it may represent empowerment. And for adoptees, it exists as a complicated reality where love and loss intersect.
This is not an invitation to resolve the tension, but to remain present within it. To acknowledge the pain while also recognizing the beauty. To extend compassion to adoptive parents, to celebrate the strength of birth parents, and to honor the adoptee’s unique perspective in the middle of it all.