I spent most of my adolescent years lying and being deceptive. I lied about small, trivial things, and at times, the lies were big and heavy. Once I grew into adulthood, I began addressing the reasons behind my lying. I discovered why I lied and what I usually lied about. My origin story was unclear and murky at best. I knew I was born in Haiti and placed in an orphanage around the age of 2. Before the orphanage, I was being cared for by my Birth Mother, Grandmother, Uncle, and other close relatives. I was adopted by a caucasian family at the age of three and brought to the United States. A year or so later, my Birth Mother passed away from tuberculosis. Then, a couple of years after her death, my maternal Grandpa passed away. I never knew my father or any of my paternal relatives. With my Grandmother, cousins, and a couple of uncles and Aunts, I forged an identity with half-truths and desperate hopes.
Thankfully, my adoptive parents were open and honest about my story and filled in as many of the blanks as they could. Even with some of the puzzle pieces, my deep desire to know my origin story was the driving force behind my lies. I created a ghost kingdom: The imaginary world adoptees create to explore their birth family, often filled with “what if” scenarios and fantasies about their birth parents and the life they could have had.
In my imaginary world, my birth father was an African king, and I was his long-lost princess. His kingdom had been overthrown by a rival nation, and he was taken prisoner. The fate of the kingdom now rested on finding me, the lost heir, so I could reclaim the throne and restore order to our people.
Wow! That was just the beginning of my overzealous imagination. As time went on, the line between truth and lies blurred. I had a false sense of reality that was bleeding into all aspects of my life. I grew into a liar to seem important, to fill a void, and to silence my doubts and insecurities. I do not condone or excuse my lying, and I sometimes still feel shame around my actions. Now that I am older and mature, the pendulum has swung to the other side, and I speak the truth even when it hurts.
Rejoice with and in the Truth
This year in Charities, we are discussing 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. Verse 7 reads, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” We can not control our origin stories, nor can we control the factors that lead us to being placed for adoption. However, I do believe that we are responsible for seeking the truth and holding space for the truth. Our origin stories are laced with trauma, abandonment, and grief, and it is hard to hold space for this kind of truth. Adoptees are expected to be resilient, grateful, well-behaved, and happy. We are, and can be, all these things, but we are also tired, fragmented, searching, and sad.