Disruption and the Love that Endures
Adoption is a transformative journey filled with hope, love, and the dream of a forever family. However, not every adoption unfolds as expected.
For prospective adoptive parents, the possibility of a placement disruption is one of the greatest fears—yet it is rarely discussed beyond a negative lens. The uncertainty of the adoption process can leave waiting families feeling powerless, often leading them to build emotional barriers as a form of self-protection. However, it is essential to remember that this decision is not ours to make. How we respond—with love and compassion—both during and after a disruption will ultimately shape our ability to heal and move forward.
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
In this post, we will specifically focus on disruptions that may occur during an infant adoption after a match has occurred. In previous years, the term “failed adoption” or “failed placement” may have been used to define this occurrence, but these terms should generally be avoided. The term failed can imply blame—particularly toward birth parents who choose to parent. Instead of viewing this decision as a failure, it’s important to honor and respect their rights.
At the same time, calling it a failure may not fully acknowledge and minimize the profound grief and loss also experienced by potential adoptive parents. Perhaps if we shifted our perspective from one of a failure to that of a thoughtful decision to parent, we may find it easier to respond with love and compassion throughout the process.
The experience of a disruption may leave prospective adoptive parents feeling lost and disheartened; however, it can also serve as an opportunity for growth, reflection, and renewed hope. Here’s how to navigate this challenging journey and move forward.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Experiencing grief, sadness, and frustration in the wake of a disruption is completely natural. Rather than suppressing these emotions, allow yourself the time and space to process them. Seeking support from loved ones, a counselor, or a support group can be incredibly helpful in navigating this difficult time. Connecting with adoption professionals or therapists who specialize in adoption-related grief can provide valuable guidance, while sharing your experience with others who have faced similar challenges can offer comfort and reassurance.
Take Time to Heal
The loss experienced in a placement disruption can be profound, often occurring without warning and feeling like the death of a dream. This type of grief, known as ambiguous loss, is unique in that it lacks clear closure. People who experience ambiguous loss may also feel stuck in one stage of grief as there is often a sense of unanswered quuestions. Because it is less widely recognized, it can feel especially isolating, as others may struggle to understand the depth of the emotions involved.
It’s important to give yourself permission to step back before re-engaging in the process. Healing is a vital part of moving forward, and allowing yourself the space to grieve and regroup can ultimately strengthen your resilience for the journey ahead.
Reframing Our Mindset
There’s no denying that a disrupted placement is a painful and unexpected detour. However, taking a step back to reframe your mindset around adoption can be helpful. It’s easy to become focused on the desire to grow your family, especially if infertility or loss has been part of your journey. But at its core, adoption is about finding the right parents for a child—not finding a child for parents.
This truth can be difficult to sit with, particularly in moments of heartbreak. In adoption, someone always experiences loss—whether it’s a birth mother leaving the hospital without her baby or hopeful parents facing the reality that their match will not result in an adoption. But even in the midst of this pain, love still exists.
Perhaps you were not meant to be that child’s parents, but instead, you were meant to support a woman navigating an incredibly difficult decision. Maybe your role was to show her kindness and respect, regardless of the outcome. Maybe you were the one offering prayers for her and her child when no one else was.
At its heart, adoption is an act of faith—one that calls for an enduring love that reaches beyond personal expectations and embraces the journey, whatever it may hold.
“Now faith is the assurance that what we hope for will come about and the certainty that what we cannot see exists” Hebrews 11:1
Several years ago, my family made the decision to try and grow our family again through adoption. Our then 5-year-old asked near daily for a baby sister, and we were eager to see that wish fulfilled as well. We completed an updated home study and were shocked that within two months, we received a phone call from an attorney that we had submitted our profile to. Our previous wait time from our older daughter’s adoption was nearly a year, so the speed of this was unexpected.
We were enjoying dinner at our favorite pizza place on a Friday night when my phone rang with news that an expectant mom had chosen our family to parent her child. Even more surprising was that her baby was likely to be born within days. You can imagine the excitement and frenzy, but we were hesitant to tell our daughter the news. Just in case. The baby was born, and we received a picture of the most angelic little girl with a head full of dark curls. We’d chosen a name, Charlotte Joy, since this was days before Christmas, and what a joyful time we were in for. Tuesday morning, we were to drive a few hours north and meet our daughter and her birth mom at the attorney’s office. That morning before dropping our oldest off at school, we gave her a small package with a shirt that said BIG SISTER. She screamed and could not wait to tell her preschool teacher this news.
We picked up a car seat at Target on our way and called the attorney who assured us to make the trip. We were a little over an hour into our drive when my phone rang. Don’t come. My stomach dropped. I turned in the car to tell my husband before we both fell into tears. The emotions were raw when we had to explain to our daughter that today was not the day she was to become a big sister. There was little joy for our family on that day.
I still have that photo with those dark curls saved in my phone, and every year when my memories show up and I see her little face, I stop and say a prayer for “Lottie”. I hope her life is wonderful. I pray that she is thriving and happy. How could I not, for a microsecond she was my daughter, if only from a photograph, and my heart was filled with joy to be her mother. A piece of that love will always endure in my heart. Nothing failed here. These experiences, as difficult as they can be, bring growth and resilience and hopefully shape you into a stronger, more prepared, more loving adoptive parent.
Our story wasn’t over. Two months later, on our 17th wedding anniversary, another woman made a courageous, selfless decision to place her baby girl into my arms. That little girl turns four in a matter of days and is an absolute source of joy and love to our family and everyone else she comes into contact with. Your story isn’t over either, God just hasn’t shown you the next chapter yet. Keep hope alive, stay faithful, and trust in an enduring love.