When Love Endures
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.”
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
When a mother decides to place her child for adoption, it doesn’t come without risk. She risks her reputation, her mental health, her community, her self-esteem, and the list goes on. She even risks the relationship between her and her child and the Adoptive Parents, especially if she doesn’t live up to their expectations.
It’s safe to assume there are several aspects of a mother’s life that makes parenting feel either extremely challenging or nearly impossible when she decides to place her child for adoption. What I see, though, is that many people assume the worst about her instead of taking a step back and considering the generational, systemic, and social barriers that prevent her from feeling like she could parent successfully.
The world may praise her at first for making such a “loving” decision yet harshly judges her at the same time. Many are quick to place unrealistic expectations on her and demand perfection. If she doesn’t perform to their liking, she is met with resistance, stripped of dignity and made to feel like extending love to her is conditional.
But isn’t love supposed to endure all things?
When Adoptive Parents enter into an adoption relationship, they must keep in mind that they come to the relationship with more resources and, most likely, more privilege than the Birth Family. Being mindful of one’s position in life and society can help Adoptive Families extend grace to their adopted child’s Birth Family, especially if conflict arises or if there are differences in lifestyles. It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to behave or think the same way we do, so learning to manage expectations can prevent rash or emotional reactions.
Ways Adoptive Parents Can Show Enduring Love:
- If conflict arises between the Birth Family, Adoptive Parents should remember to pause before expressing hurt to the Birth Family. Reacting while emotions are high can cause further harm to the relationship. Regardless of whether the Birth Family makes choices that the Adoptive Parents agree with, they still hold a valuable spot in the Adoptee’s life and it’s important that Adoptive Parents learn how to communicate effectively and not use language that is intended to pass judgement.
- Should the Birth Family live a lifestyle that is different from the Adoptive Parents, Adoptive Parents should refrain from passing judgement and remember that they are not the final judge. Be mindful not to project feelings of superiority onto the Birth Family. They most likely haven’t had access to the same type of stability or resources, and it is unrealistic to expect them to make the same choices Adoptive Parents would make. A different lifestyle does not mean someone is less worthy of love.
- Seek professional counselling if feelings of disdain are becoming a roadblock to equality. As we go through our life, we are exposed to many different people with many different experiences. Some people we will easily get along with, others might be more challenging to be in community with. Adoptive Parents should avoid allowing resentment to build to the point where maintaining civility feels impossible. Learn new coping skills and communication strategies with a licensed professional.
- Remember that the Adoptee is the one who will be impacted the most by poor communication and obvious disapproval. If you’ve done any amount of research on the impact adoption has on a child, you will find that Adoptees struggle with people pleasing and desire to feel accepted within their family unit. But when they sense that their Adoptive Parents dislike their biological family, they can internalize it, and it can affect their self-esteem. As Adoptees learn to embrace their identity, they need to know their Adoptive Parents value who they are outside of the family that is raising them
- When the relationship feels more like an obligation, pray for relational endurance and integrity. Relationships ebb and flow, and this is a lifelong relationship that should be handled with care. As time goes on and life changes, remember that we cannot rely on our strength alone to navigate challenges. We serve a just God, one that cares for and loves each of us equally. Being Kingdom-minded and desiring to love others the way we are loved can only increase compassion.
Loving others through trials and tribulations can feel exhausting, but we aren’t doing it alone. Jesus led by example, and with His wisdom and guidance, we can endure all things.