As a birth mother, incorporating traditions into my adoption took some time and consideration. Traditions are important because they can serve as a way to commemorate milestones or important dates. Some traditions are only performed privately by the birth mother for symbolic purposes. Traditions can mean so many things and look different depending on what type of adoption plan you have. Since my adoption plan began as semi-open, traditions aren’t as obvious as everyone getting together for the holidays.
Traditions don’t have to be grand gestures or events. They can be more casual and subtle, but figuring them out might require some creativity if they don’t happen naturally. From the perspective of a birth mother, I never want to do too much or come on too strong. During those early years, I overanalyzed every interaction, and it took some time to find a comfortable rhythm with my adoption and my relationship with my child’s adoptive parents. As we got to know one another better, our relationship became more organic and fluid, and I started incorporating some traditions.
Birth Mothers Can Be Part of Gift Giving In Family Traditions In Various Ways
While I’ve always bought and sent my child birthday and Christmas gifts, I also started getting gifts for my child’s adopted siblings. Not only that, but I also began sending both individual and joint gifts for the kids to enjoy together. I started doing this for a few reasons, but the main reason was that I see my child and her siblings as a whole unit, and I wanted to find a way to honor their relationship. I wanted them to know that my love also extends to them. Now that I am raising two children with my husband, I enlist their help in gift-giving. They make cards, decorate the boxes, and pick out a few things to send.
Another subtle tradition I have is that every year on my child’s birthday, I go through old photo albums, find pictures of myself at that age, and send them to my child’s adoptive mom. My child and I look very similar, so it’s fun to see how much we’ve looked alike throughout the years. I also bake a cake with my children I parent on their placed sibling’s birthday to memorialize that day. Including them in any tradition is important to me as it fosters a sense of connection.
How Birth Mothers Can Have Traditions When Adoption Openness Is Limited
I think traditions are harder to follow when you don’t have a very open adoption or don’t see your child in person regularly. Here are a few ideas for traditions for birth mothers in semi-open or open adoptions with less contact or visits:
- Send a handmade card to your child on their birthday.
- Plant a tree on your child’s birthday.
- Write letters to your child on important dates, and save them in a box to give to them later.
- Host a butterfly release on your child’s birthday.
- Create a photo album for each year filled with pictures you take or receive from your child.
How Adoptive Parents Can Honor Their Child’s Birth Mother With Traditions
If you are an adoptive parent who doesn’t have a very open adoption, here are some traditions you can incorporate into your and your child’s life:
- Have your adoptee help you prepare their birth mother’s favorite meal for her birthday.
- Incorporate cultural traditions that the adoptee’s birth family may recognize.
- Have your adoptee send a handmade card to their birth mother on birthdays or holidays.
- Get a keepsake box for your adoptee to fill up with drawings or items they want their birth parent to have, and mail its contents to their birth parent every year.
Honoring Traditions In An Adoptive Journey Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
Figuring out what is going to work for your adoption takes time and intentionality, but traditions are a wonderful way to help the adoptee feel more connected to their birth family. Whether you are an adoptive parent or a birth parent, keeping that connection active and consistent will assure the adoptee that they are being prioritized and that their biological roots matter. Take an assessment of your life, find ways to create little habits and traditions, and have fun watching them grow! You never know what is going to catch on or what is going to leave a lasting impression.