​Navigating Competition: From a Birth Mother’s Perspective

Adoption is a complex and beautiful journey that brings together Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adoptees in a unique and profound way. However, adoption comes with its own set of challenges. One such challenge is the element of competition, which can impact the dynamics between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers, and even extend to interactions among Birth Mothers within the adoption community. Let’s explore how competition can manifest in these relationships and why fostering a more supportive and understanding community can help eliminate competition.

Understanding the Roots of Competition

Competition between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers often stems from a deep emotional place. For Birth Mothers, the decision to place a child for adoption is not done lightly and it can be accompanied by feelings of loss, guilt, and inadequacy. These emotions can leave a Birth Mother wondering if she will be seen as “not good enough” or “less than” by the Adoptive Parents and can be exacerbated by the power imbalance that inevitably comes with placement.

On the other hand, Adoptive Mothers may struggle with feelings of insecurity due to infertility or possessiveness and may even have less-than-kind thoughts about their adopted child’s Birth Mother. These emotions can be exacerbated by feelings of entitlement which causes distance between the Adoptive Mother and Brith Mother. Many times, Adoptive Mothers are unaware that they are experiencing feelings of competition as they establish their role as mother. Failing to recognize that an adopted child needs to see their Adoptive Mother and Birth Mother work together can have a negative impact on the child as they grapple to understand their identity. Due to the power imbalance, Adoptive Mothers need to be aware of their position and not abuse it to the detriment of the relationship with the Birth Mother. Instead, Adoptive Mothers should use their position responsibly to set the tone for the relationship and lead by example.

The Impact of Competition on Relationships

1. Communication Barriers: Competition can create barriers to transparent and honest communication between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers. Fear of judgment or comparison may prevent both parties from expressing their true feelings and concerns, leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships.
2. Emotional Stress: The constant feeling of needing to assert dominance or claim ownership can be emotionally draining for all members of the adoption triad. This stress can affect the ability to build a positive relationship with each other.
3. Impact on the Child: Children are perceptive, especially adopted children, and they can pick up on tension between the important adults in their lives. A competitive dynamic may affect the child’s sense of security and belonging, as they may feel caught between the two families. This cause-and-affect can impact the way a child processes their adoption and their feelings toward both their Birth Mother and Adoptive Mother.

Competition Between Birth Moms

In addition to the competition between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers, Birth Mothers may also experience competition between other Brith Mothers. This competition can manifest in various ways:

1. Comparing Adoption Stories: Birth moms might share their differing adoption stories, leading to feelings of jealousy, bitterness, or entitlement. Each adoption journey is unique, and comparing experiences can create unnecessary tension. This can be a roadblock to healing and may discourage Birth Mothers from seeking support if they do not feel as if the community can be respectful of their varying experiences.
2. Seeking Validation: Birth Mothers may seek validation and acceptance within the adoption community, leading others to compete over who is more knowledgeable, involved, or supportive. This can hinder the development of genuine connections and can cause community members to gatekeep resources.
3. Social Media Influence: In a social media obsessed society, the online perception of someone’s life can exacerbate feelings of competition. Seeing curated versions of other Birth Mother’s lives can create unrealistic expectations which can increase feelings of inadequacy or rivalry.

How to Foster Supportive Relationships

1. Practice Open Communication: Honest and open communication can help break down barriers and foster understanding between Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers. Creating safe spaces early in the relationship allows both parties to express their feelings without fear of judgment.
2. Pursue Education and Empathy: Learning about other’s experiences can cultivate empathy and appreciation for the unique roles a Birth Mother and Adoptive Mother play in the child’s life. As research and support become more readily available, it should be a priority to continue to learn along the way and engage in conversation with other community member
3. Build Community: All members of the adoption triad should work to find other community members to connect with. Leaning on one another and finding support can help reduce feelings of competition. Support groups and online forums can provide spaces for Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers to share their stories, offer support, and celebrate each other’s journeys.
4. Focus on the Child’s Well-Being: Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers need to remember the shared goal; the well-being of the child. This can shift the focus from competition to collaboration. Prioritizing the child’s needs can help create a more harmonious relationship.

Conclusion

Recognizing competition in adoption is essential to addressing its impact on relationships. Triad members can work together to create a nurturing environment for the child by fostering open communication, being empathic and supportive, and working through feelings of entitlement. Embracing the unique roles that each Mother plays can lead to stronger, more meaningful connections that ultimately benefit everyone involved in the adoption journey.