Question: When you first started dating your girlfriend; your current wife, did you think about how being married to an adoptee would affect your relationship?
Husband: No, not really. I did not have any expectations or preconceived notions. My wife and I met in high school, and I always knew she was adopted. I honestly thought she was one of the lucky ones who made it out of a third world country.
Question: Now that you have been married for almost ten years, do you believe that adoption has had an impact on your marriage?
Husband: Yes!!
Question: Well, you said that with enthusiasm! Can you please elaborate and give an example on how being married to an adoptee has impacted your marriage?
Husband: My wife’s adoption story has become very much a part of my story. I have learned so much and I have gained perspective on what it means to be an adoptee. I have learned to listen to what she needs, even if I do not understand. She has a fear of abandonment due to being adopted. Without knowing it, I would be careless and do things that would upset her and make her feel abandoned. For example: When running errands or leaving work late, I would not checkin with my wife, because I did not believe it was necessary. However, my wife would be at home worrying that something bad happened to me, or I just randomly decided to up and leave her. This was a source of contention in our marriage for a while, because I did not see what the big deal was, and she could not understand why I did not understand.
Question: Wow, thank you for your vulnerability. Has there been any personal challenges in being in love with or married to an adoptee?
Husband: It has been extremely difficult to watch my wife search for biological relatives, without any luck. She is currently searching for information on who is her biological dad. This has been a two to three year journey with very little answers and a lot more questions. I am the type of man who likes to fix things, but this search for her biological dad has left me wondering if there really is a fix.
Question: To wrap things up, can you please tell me what has been one of the most rewarding aspects of being in love with or being married to an adoptee?
Husband: I love being able to be a constant in her life. She struggles with the trauma of abandonment and she has been so gracious in allowing me to see her wounds and to help her carry the heavy load of trauma. Over the years, I have seen my wife soften and become more trusting. She is my best friend, and I love showing her how much I love her.
Adopting a child will affect those involved for years, and even pass down generational trauma. Adoptees deal with so many different emotions with very little guidance on why and where the feelings stem from. Spouses of adoptees tend to experience the big emotions that come with being adopted. Husbands and wives are an essential part in the healing process for an adoptee. If you married to an adoptee and you would like to share your perspective, please send an email to myrlene@abidinglovecharities.org.
At Abiding Love Charities we love to hear from the adoption community. Please feel free to reach out to us if you have questions, or topics that you would like for us to amplify. In your free time, please visit our website to find the different services we provided.